At first, I attempted to release episodes every fortnight, the burnout was real with the impeding financial pressure of a house move at the same time. So I stretched out to a more comfortable pace of monthly.

That led to a couple of lapses between episodes to a now unintentional six-month hiatus. My series never reached the dizzying heights of some of my favourite podcasters. I didn’t imagine it would in the short timespan, amount of episodes and small but loyal community I’ve fostered in my career.

To be entirely honest the reason I let muted my mic was that I didn’t think people wanted to hear from me. I didn’t think I had anything interesting to say and that other people could share their insights better than I ever could.

The insidious erosion of self-doubt found its way through much of my creativity. Borrowing deep into all my practices, leaving a trail of untouched projects and unanswered calls of intuition. Amongst the numbness I often found myself wondering why I bother to create anything let alone have the audacity to share myself with the world.

I simply stopped.

It was like I pulled the handbrake on everything I was working on. I had what I would call the ‘give ups’. A hand-raising moment of ‘I am exhausted’ mixed with ‘I’m spread too thin as a one-woman self-employed business owner’. These moments feel quite regular when you couple that with ADHD and the precarious nature of capitalism in the creative industry.

It’s not like the podcast was the final straw, it was just another piece of the Liv Lorkin Designs puzzle that got lumped into freeze mode of my indecisiveness.

To be seen and in this case, to be heard, was to be vulnerable and it cracks you open to be judged. Often it’s more about how it makes you feel and it holds a mirror up to the parts of yourself that aren’t pretty. Like the self-sabotaging self-doubt monster that lurks beneath the airy and pink tones of my brand and voice.

I don’t mind showing up when it’s pretty and I can wear the cute floral dress and colourful headband but when I’m in the depths of my own internal struggle and my livelihood depends on my creative flame to keep the fire burning that’s a real pickle.

It feels counterintuitive that I am drawn to the world of arts and at the same time feel plagued by the internal pressure of what that means. Look I also acknowledge that it’s a privilege to create, that I have been afforded and carved out my own nook in this world but it hasn’t been easy on the psyche that craves stability, in all senses of the word.

I am human if that really needs to be said, and that comes with a bundle of contradicting parts that navigate me in this world. So I started a podcast to bring a little more light but it happened to shine more on the elements of me that needed healing. Needed nourishment and time to unpack.

Those parts if left unacknowledged I fear would have eroded the sheer joy I find in writing, the delight I experience in illustrating and the fun I have when I talk aloud to all that willinging listen.

I haven’t figured out all the little pieces of myself that niggle at those moments but it’s quieter here, less tumultuous and I am slowly finding the time to listen to myself and share without fear. Perhaps on this path, I’ll find my way back to the mic but for the moment the keyboard is where I want to explore first.